SELECTIONS FROM A SERIES OF LETTERS BETWEEN A PRISONER AND HIS SPONSOR
Author Jim H. Copyright May 1998 – First
North American Serial Rights. Readers
are free to download and use this material as long as they receive no payment
for the material and credit this site and this author as the source.
Just before “going out on
the chain”, which is jailhouse slang for being transported to prison from jail,
Lester (the prisoner) had the corrections officer at the jail take this group
of writings he had made and give them to Larry, his AA sponsor. Larry had been going into the jail for
weekly meetings over quite a period of time and had arranged to meet
individually with Lester on one extra evening each week to work the steps from
the book Alcoholics Anonymous. The
writings follow:
“My Friend”
Because there is you
I have all of the warmth
and caring
my heart could desire
Because there is you
I have someone to live for,
to cherish and love and admire . . .
Because there is you
I have plans in the making
and dreams
that I hope will come true . . .
But I know that whatever
the future may hold
will be precious
Because there is you!
“Memories”
Time passes so quickly, the days go by so fast
We depend on those memories to make those good times last.
Tears, secrets, laughter, all these things we’ve shared
but the greatest comfort that we had was knowing that someone cared.
We must pack all these memories and put them neatly away
in a place where we may find them on a cold and lonely day.
For there may be miles between us, we may be apart,
but we will always have those special times as Friends stored within
our hearts.
“The Little Things In Life”
To often we don’t realize
What we have until it’s gone.
Too often we wait too late to say
“I’m sorry, I was wrong.”
Sometimes it seems we hurt the ones,
We hold dearest to our hearts.
And we allow stupid things
To tear our lives apart.
Far too many times we let
Unimportant things get into our minds,
And by then it’s usually too late
To see what made us blind.
So be sure that you let people know
How much they mean to you.
Take the time to say the words
Before your time is through.
Be sure that you appreciate
Everything you’ve got
And be thankful for the little things
In life that mean a lot!
“Friends are the most special people in life”
Friends are the cherished people,
Who we carry in our hearts wherever we go in life.
We may spend a lot of time together,
Gitting to know each other, and sharing each other’s lives,
Then have to move on to other places,
But no matter where we go,
We will always remember the wonderful people who touched our lives.
No matter where we go in life,
We will always remember those people who love us unconditionally,
And helped us learn more about ourselves,
The people who stayed by us,
When we had to face difficult times,
and with whom we felt safe enough,
to reveal our true selves.
Friends are the unforgettable people we dream,
and planned great futures with,
who accepted us as we are,
and encouraged us to become all that we have wanted to be.
My friend, no matter where we go in life or how far apart we are,
You will always be close to me,
and I will always be your friend!
“Don’t Quit”
Don’t quit when the tide is lowest
For it’s just about to turn.
Don’t quit over doubts and questions,
For there’s something you may learn.
Don’t quit when the night is darkest,
For it’s just a while ‘til dawn.
Don’t quit when you’ve run the farthest,
For the race is almost won.
Don’t quit when the hill is steepest,
For your goal is almost nigh.
Don’t quit, for you’re not a failure
until you fail to try!
There was a different time
and a different prisoner that Larry had sponsored and was writing to while he
served his time. A mentor or Larry told
him, “Larry, when you write, write in ink and make no changes.” The first letter that Larry wrote to that
prisoner he thought of his mentor’s instruction and decided that it was too
hard to hand write when he had a computer and a word processor on that
computer. He proceeded to write the
letter on the word processor making spelling and grammar changes as required to
make it neat and worthy of his high school English teachers best grade
possible. The last thing he wrote was to tell his sponsee about the instruction
from his mentor and remarked how the word processor created such a much finer
product. Then he saved it until the next day when he planned to give it one
more review and send it off. When he
opened the letter the next day the only part of the letter that had been saved
was his last statement about the instructions of his mentor. Computers either save the whole thing or
nothing. If you won’t obey
instructions, God will take over your compter!
June 4, 2000
Hi Lester,
I have been wondering if
they had settled you in one place yet and intending to call Helen and find
out. But it seems that every time I
thought about calling her it was not possible and when it was possible I didn't
think of it. I think of you and our
sessions in the Big Book of A.A. and our talks about spiritual development. I hope that you are being able to stay with
that path. It is really essential for
your life. I hope that all of your
books got to you. If they didn't let me
know and I will send some to you. If
the library there has it a really fine book and very helpful is "The Seat
of the Soul" by Gary Zukav.
The young man that was
having sessions with Wayne kept it up after you went and called me the day
after he got out because he was wanting to drink really bad. I told him that I would come and get him and
take him to a meeting but he had to stay with his kids. Then I told him I would pick him up the next
day and he said that he didn't know where he would be so he would call me and
let me know where to pick him up. He
never called and I have lost track of him.
After you left we continued
to have 9 to 12 people coming to the jail meetings until the last 2 or 3 weeks
when it has dropped off. I think that
your influence made that happen so you can know that you had a good influence
on several of those young guys lives.
JR was back in and now is back out, staying sober last I heard and
holding a restaurant job. Brent is back
in this time for a year. He is not
coming to the meetings. We still go in
with the same group. My reliable ones
are Wayne, Dennis, Julian, and now John that knows you and Bob is coming in
once a month. Bob has been hitting
meetings at the Alano Club and seems to be staying sober. I don't know if he is still driving other
people to drink or not.
This has been another cold,
wet spring and it is only now that it is really starting to warm up and be
enjoyable. My little dog, Max, has
something going wrong with a joint so I am having to walk without her
along. I took the book you wanted me to
take to Helen to her shortly after you left.
I woke her up this morning to get your address. She's been putting in a lot of hours she
said. I told her if she needed anything
to call and let me know. I am sure that
is the last thing she will do but I wanted to offer. You can reassure her that I mean it.
My
best to you, good fortune to you until next time, I and the Higher Power whom
Gary Zukav calls a Compassionate Universe (and I like that) love you, and I'll
write again soon.
Larry
Hi
Larry,
You
did it again. How do you always know
when I need you? Just when I’m about to
give up you’re there! Just when I want
to stop caring, your there! How do you
always know? I got your letter it was
so good to hear from you! I’ve missed
you so much! This place has really been
getting to me. No they don’t let me go
to AA here. I have put in for it, but I
been here from 4-5-00 ‘til now, and I still have not got to go. They don’t like us out of our cells, they
like to keep us locked-up. I’m
locked-up just as much as I was in jail.
If not more! I go to work or
lift weights then back to my cell. But
I still remember what you taught me (and I always will) and I try to put it in
everything I do! They won’t let Helen
send me any of the books I had, it is so hard to git anything in here. I don’t know why? This is the only prison that is that way. Well Larry I’m going to go for now, so that
I can git this letter in the mail. I
want to thank you again for just being you!
I love you for it! (more than you will ever know)
friends
forever,
Lester
June 10, 2000
Hi Lester,
I hope everything is going
O.K. for you. It isn't what you or I
would want for you at this time but I am sure that it will all turn out for the
good. It sure has to be better than the
Asotin County Jail.
At the Sunday night Orchards
AA meeting we are studying the 12 steps and 12 traditions (12 X 12) and we were
on pages 99 through the end of the first paragraph on page 103. Some of the discussion about what we read
included the following:
• I talked about how that St.
Francis of Assisi prayer on page 99 was so beautiful and about how I tried
through the years to attain that stature in my life. I also talked about how it was impossible for me to become that
good and that I had tried over and over to become something approaching the
stature of that prayer. I finally had
to just give up on trying to get good.
Some times the best that I can do is to keep my mouth shut and do
nothing to harm another being. Once in
a while I can put aside selfishness and become more than I am capable of. I just wake up in the morning and say to God
as I don't understand him "whatever". Then when I go to bed at night it just say "enough". In between I am just grateful for all of the
good things that have happened in my life.
One more time I talked about "when in doubt of what to do or
say, do or say nothing" and "the three esses; shut up, step back, and smile". If I can do that good my life will be
comfortable.
• A fellow named Grant talked
about how he just goes through life one day at a time. He gets up and "moves it about"
and does what is put in front of him and life works out for him. He tries to apply what it talks about in the
Big Book on page 449 where it begins with, "And acceptance is the
answer to all of my problems today." and ends with, "I must
keep my magic magnifying mind on my acceptance and off my expectations, for my
serenity is directly proportional to my level of acceptance. When I remember this, I can see I've never
had it so good. Thank God for
A.A.!" at the end of the story on page 452. By the way the man who wrote that story, affectionately known as
Dr. Lester, died in the past couple of weeks.
He will be missed. Grant also
talked about how he didn't agree with me about having to surrender. The word surrender was disgusting to
him. He felt that you needed to totally
accept life on life's terms rather than surrender. I am still trying to figure out the difference. Others contributed to the discussion but it
mainly went along the above lines.
Then
on Monday night we have a big book study session at my home. There are three other people and myself at
this meeting. This meeting kind of goes
along like the times that you and I met in the jail as sponsor and
sponsee. We were studying the Big Book
pages 84 through 88 which are steps 10 and 11.
We noted as we read that right after it says, "This thought
brings us to step 10," which is, "Continued to take personal
inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it." it actually
starts giving the methods for implementing step 11 which is, "Sought
through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God - -
-". Then after it says, "
Step Eleven suggests prayer and meditation." on page 85 it actually
starts telling us how to inventory our day, on page 86, as suggested in step
10. Then it tells us how to start our
day next. It finally tells us to
include meditation and prayer on page 87.
All in all pages 86 and 87 give specific instruction on how to start,
live and end each day. It works if we
want to use it. Dennis (you remember
him, he comes into the jail with me once each month) and I were talking and
agreeing that without the input from another alcoholic we would in a short time
convince ourselves that we just drank too much and that we could do all right
if we just used self control and didn't drink so habitually. It takes other alcoholics to call my
bullshit along that line. The book, and
studying it, will make my sobriety more comfortable if I implement the steps
into my life but just the book, without other alkies, would not probably
straighten out my thinking when I am off in left field and believing that I
could drink successfully if I just tried harder.
Then
on Thursday at my home group we had a first step meeting for a young girl who
drives truck. In a first step meeting
it goes kind of like the jail meetings where we who have been around a while
share how we got here and how AA is helping us stay sober. There was a TV special on 20/20 on Wed.
night that had a bunch of educated people who did not want to stop drinking
rationalizing about how they could learn to drink responsibly. One guy had determined that he could drink
the equivalent of two glasses of wine a night and not have a craving for more. If he is telling the truth he is not an alcoholic
of my type. Even so he may find
somewhere down the road that the amount that he drinks will increase again and
leave him at the same place that it left him the last time. Another, a woman, had figured out how she
could drink responsibly by using a point system awarding a certain number of
points for each type of drink and not drinking any more than a set number of
points in any given week. Of course she
did what any good alky would do - she saved up the points until she had enough
to really party. If you don't have a
problem with booze why would you insist on being able to drink regularly
throughout your life? Oh well, you've
heard me say it many times, "If the going up is worth the coming down I'm
going to continue going up."
Either the coming down has to get so bad I can't take it or the going up
has to stop happening no matter how I use.
Retirement
got to me so I started volunteering at RSVP (Retired Senior Volunteer Program)
and I am putting in around 55 to 60 hours a month helping with the
administration of the program. It has
given me a new lease on life because I can now feel useful again. I still go into the jail every Saturday and
still work with the Polio Survivors group here in the valley.
I
hope this finds everything well with you.
I love you as much and like I would my son.
Larry
17
July 2000
Hi
Larry,
I got your letter it is
always so good to hear from you! Sorry
for not writing more, but there isn’t much to write about, I could tell you
everything about this place in 3 lines.
And my celly is a real pain, he is young and he thinks he need to know
everything I’m doing. Every time I sit
down to write a letter he stands over me and reads what I am writing. I try really hard not to get mad, because I
know he is young and it’s not his fault, but it still bugs me and now he is in
cell confinement, so he is in the cell all the time. So I try not to be, so I don’t get much time to myself. Larry I want you to know that I will always
write to you, your letters mean so much to me!
Our friendship means so much to me, I hope I can live up to what you
expect of me, I will try! I have never
met anyone like you, you saved my life, my marriage, my family, and I love you
for it. You can tell me all you want
that it wasn’t you that did it, but if you didn’t take the time to listen and
care back when I was in jail, I would have lost everything. I still might, but now it won’t be because I
didn’t try or it won’t be because of drugs or drinking.
Larry
I’m sorry I’m going to have to cut this letter short, this kid is driving me
nuts, and he can’t take a hint. You
take care, and I miss you much.
Lester
Dear Lester,
I got your letter. It was good to hear from you even if the
news was not the best. While I was
reading it I felt that I needed to tell you that it is really necessary that
you keep up the "new" way of thinking that we got started in
you. If you give that up the system
wins. If you maintain your contact with
the "Compassionate Universe" within you everybody wins. You win, society wins, Helen wins, all of
the young men who will discover a new way of life through you as you carry the
message will win, everybody will win. Since they won't let you get to inspirational literature I will
give you some of my favorites in my letters.
You have proven to me that you can memorize well so memorize some of
these to keep you in a good frame of mind through the worst times. A navy pilot, Commander Coffee, who was shot down over North Vietnam and
spent seven and one-half years in a North Vietnam prison had memorized a poem
by Rudyard Kipling used this part to survive when many were dying from the
abuse:
If
you can force your
heart,
nerve, and sinew
to
serve their term
long
after they are gone
when
there is nothing left
within
you
except
the will that says to them,
hold
on.
Tuck that one away in your
memory. It will be invaluable, a true
treasure when all else fails.
To me, one of the greatest
philosophers of all time was a Greek named Epictetus who was born in the middle
of the first century A.D. His early
history is unknown but we first find him in Rome, the slave of Epaphroditus, a
freedman of Nero's. His lameness, which
is the only physical characteristic of his that was recorded, was, according to
one tradition, due to tortures inflicted by his master. His discourses, which are to say teachings,
have shaped my whole life after studying them for years. I will share some with you from time to time
and those that have meaning to you can be memorized. Anything memorized and committed to your inner-self can never be
taken from you - even if you are prohibited from reading or studying. He taught verbally and never wrote
anything. His followers made notes of
his teachings and that is how they were perpetuated. Here is one of his sayings,
"If a man could be thoroughly persuaded, as he ought to be, of this
principle, that we are all originally sprung from God, and that God is the
father of men and gods, I believe he never would think of himself meanly or
ignobly. Suppose Caesar were to adopt
you, there would be no bearing your haughty looks; and will you not feel
ennobled on knowing yourself to be the son of God?" Again he taught, "You have a free will,
O man, incapable of being restrained or compelled. Can anyone restrain you from assenting to truth? Can anyone compel you to admit a
falsehood? No one! If God had constituted that portion which he
has separated from his own essence, and given to us, capable of being
restrained or compelled, either by himself, or by any other, he would not have
been god nor have fitly cared for us.
If you will, you are free. If
you will, you will have no one to complain of, no one to accuse. All will be equally according to your own
will and the will of God." In the
bible Mark 9:23 it says "and Jesus said to him, 'if you can. All things are possible to him who
believes." All of this is summed
up in "To your own self be true."
Hold to the things we have discovered in the Big Book of Alcoholics
Anonymous and the inner knowledge of the new you and don't allow that better
person within to be harmed. "If
God be for us, who can be against us?"
Dennis, the slightly
red-head who came into the jail with me, asked me to extend his best wishes to
you and say hi. Brent was back in jail,
this time for a year after using the public defender, then got another attorney
and got out with probation for the year.
The sentence still awaits him if he screws up again. If he drinks he will probably screw up
again. Tim is back in. He, too, will keep showing up as long as he
continues to use. Lets face it, with
his history every time a cop sees him he is going to be shook down and
eventually hooked up and booked. Please
keep on relying on the best that is inside of you so that you can be through
with that stuff when you get out. Hang
in there, bud!
You
are in my thoughts often and I send God's and my love to you,
Larry
Dear Lester,
Well, I wish I could drop by
and see you on visiting day. If it
turns out that I am over that way sometime I will contact the people in control
and see if and when that could be done.
I suppose lots of the people that write you from here have told you that
the weather has finally got off the "cool" cycle and is warming up
some. We had a good group of about six
residents at the jail for our AA meeting last Saturday. It was the week that Julian goes in with
me. One more time, as you have heard me
say many times, I told them how I couldn't quit until the going up was not
worth the coming down and how it took the gift of desperation for me to make
the effort it takes to change my life.
You know, it is never easy to change from drunken desperado to sober
caring human being. You are definitely
finding that out at the present time.
It came to me while I was thinking of you, and I often do, that the
prisons can never rehabilitate anyone.
The best that they can do is to help those who want to rehabilitate themselves
to do so. You being able to go to AA
would definitely help you to get on with your rehabilitation. I don't know for sure that Clallam Bay has
outside AA come in for meetings or not but that can be helpful also. What you have to do is maintain a
cooperative attitude as far as you can as a resident with the whole system,
which will indicate that you are ready to rehabilitate yourself. In the end it is only you and your angels or
higher power that can cause you to get rehabilitated.
WOW I HOPE THAT DIDN'T SOUND TOO MUCH LIKE A LECTURE!
It's just that it came to
mind while I was thinking of you and your situation.
The other night we were
studying the big book and started on page 98.
It said, "-we simply do not stop drinking so long as we place
dependence upon other people ahead of dependence on God." and then "Burn the idea into the
consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless of anyone. The only condition is that he trust in God
and clean house." I always had it
backward. I thought that I had to clean
house before I could trust God and was never able to clean house sufficiently
to please God therefore I could not trust Him.
In AA I found out that God doesn't care how dirty the house is. When I trust in Him I can clean house. You see, as it says on page 46 of the big
book, "We found that God does not make too hard terms with those who seek
Him. To us, the Realm of Spirit is
broad, roomy, all-inclusive; never exclusive or forbidding to those who
earnestly seek. It is open, we believe,
to all men." On page 449 of the
big book it says, "And acceptance is the answer to all my
problems today. When I am disturbed, it
is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation - some fact of my
life - unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that
person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to
be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely
nothing, happens in God's world by mistake." On page 99 of the big book it ells us in one sentence how to do
all of this. It says, "Let the
alcoholic continue his program day by day." In other words "one day at a time.
Then it tells me, "Both
you and the new man must walk day by day in the path of spiritual
progress. If you persist, remarkable
things will happen. When we look back,
we realize that the things which came to us when we put ourselves in God's
hands were better than anything we could have planned. Follow the dictates of a Higher Power and
you will presently live in a new and wonderful world, no matter what you
present circumstances." It is all
an inside job, Lester. And we
aren't that good at working with our insides so we need help beyond human
beings, no matter how well educated the human being is. It is a higher spirit that can lead us and
help us.
I guess all of this may boil
down to "play their game".
Your in their back yard and they make the rules there. You don't have to like it you just have to
do it. In this world - in the end
nothin' else counts but the deed done.
If you should get tired of
my discourses to you all you have to do is ask me to stop and I will. You don't need to write except when you need
to write within yourself. I will
continue as regularly as I can. GOOD
LUCK!
I
send you my love and remind you of God's love for you.
Larry
Dear Lester,
Well, guy, I looked at the
last letter to you and thought time to stop preaching and start sharing Larry.
I have been working as a
volunteer at the Retired Senior Volunteer Program (RSVP) in Lewiston. It has been fun. I have been straightening out some computer program problems (with
many left to fix) helping set up some records, writing grant proposals and
generally giving the director a hand in some of her overload. I was having too much time on my hands and
needed to feel useful.
My little dog, who I love
dearly, has had a time of it this last month.
First she tangled with a skunk.
I think she was not after it as she has had one other encounter with a
skunk and she is pretty smart. I
believe she just startled it and the dose was not as severe as the first
time. Then she got a piece of cheat
grass between the toes of her paw and it worked it's way up the leg, under the
hide, clear to her elbow and festered there causing her great pain and an
infection. We had to anesthetize her
and cut out the abscess to get the poison and the cheat out. Then she got a piece of cheat grass in her
ear so far down, next to the ear drum, that they had to anesthetize her two
days later to get it out of her ear before it started it's travel. She is really a high maintenance dog. I think God gave her to us because he knew
we would love her and take care of her instead of just having her put down.
I thought that I might start
sharing some of my feelings. I am old
enough to be your father and that means I have less time left than it's been
since my daughter left home. It also
means that I have experienced a lot of minutes of life and that gives a guy
different feelings when he is older.
Here is some of my feelings in the last three years. At 64 plus years it seemed to me that there
was no future. Everything was behind
me, my life was over it just hadn't ended yet.
A very few more years of working, a dull and boring interval, followed
by the same agonizing existence in which I saw my father and mother
dwelling. Dad was in a nursing home
with a colostomy bag on his abdomen, a failing memory and mind looking forward
to his only joy which was a visit from either his sister or wife of 65 years or
sometimes a call from Larry. Mother was
living alone with her own demons of fear, guilt, remorse, self pity and a
defective heart which can not be repaired but will only get worse until it
fails. I am full of the pains
associated with Post Polio Syndrome and growing older. It took dedicated effort to get out of bed
and go to work and to keep up my home.
The Catholics seemed to be right - there is a purgatory.
Their mistake is that you
don't have to die to get there - this is it!
At other times I was sure there was no God and that the whole thing is
just some outrageous cosmic joke.
Of course this occurs only
when I am wrapped up in my own form of self pity, self delusion, fear, guilt,
remorse and haven't had my own way about some event in my life. When viewed in the light of Truth I have
been blessed from the day of my conception until the very last moment that has
just passed, and I know in my heart of hearts that the same will be true until
the day I pass on to the other room which awaits us. Yes, there has been agony.
I have not always accepted the lessons of life readily and with joy nor
have I enthusiastically sought change and spiritual growth. It is not change that hurts; it is
resistance to change that hurts.
Recognizing that my agony is self created and not inflicted from the
outside I must regularly review my lessons;
the lessons obtained by living.
In my most recent review of
my life (the fourth step inventory) and the meditations that I do when
reviewing what is going on inside of me I received the following two pieces of
information.
1. Prosperity is in the eye of the beholder.
I can look at a person's
life and think, "He has nothing." and he thinks he is blessed. I can look at another and think, "He
has everything." and he thinks he is betrayed. I can think I am deprived and someone else will think, "Boy
is he ever lucky, I wish I were as well off as he is."
2. I cannot hate
anything. Not even evil. If I hate evil I match evil with evil and I
will have to pay a price.
Very simply put it is the
old, "If you put crap into the world you will get crap back." I have had all of the crap I can stand.
Maybe next time I will share
some of the experiences that I reviewed and bore you to tears even further.
I send you my love and God
already, always loves you.
Larry
Hi Lester,
Well, last Thursday I got a
call from the City Attorney at Clarkston and he asked if I was the man who went
into the jail for AA. I told him that
I was that guy and he told me that Judge Thompson (?) had decided to give a
Daniel H. a break since he had been going to AA in jail and let him out of jail
on probation if he would get a sponsor, go to 4 AA meetings a week and actively
seek work. On Saturday I agreed to be
Daniel's temporary sponsor until he could get one he really related to. Yesterday, I got another call from a woman
in the City Attorney's office and she asked me if I had agreed to be the temporary
sponsor and I told her yes. Daniel was
out as of that time. I know that you
know who Daniel is. He is young and
already has a pretty good record. I
hope he is going to take advantage of this break. He is more into drugs than alcohol I think but whatever; if I can
be of help I will. One- eyed Steve and
Tim are back in jail. They are honest
enough to say they don't know which way they are going when they get out; to
the bar or to the Alano Club. I am the
chronic believer; the power of God runs deep and some day they will make the
right turn when they go out - when they are desperate enough.
I know that if I was where
you are my patience would be wearing thin so I thought that I would find all of
the times patience is mentioned in the big book and share them with you. It is mentioned 7 times. The first time is on pages 66 and 67. "We began to see that the world and its
people really dominated us. In that
state, the wrongdoing of others, fancied or real, had power to actually
kill. How could we escape? We saw that these resentments must be
mastered, but how? We could not wish
them away any more than alcohol. This
was our course: We realized that the people who wronged us were perhaps
spiritually sick. Though we did not
like their symptoms and the way these disturbed us, they, like ourselves were
sick too. We asked God to help us show
them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would
cheerfully grant a sick friend. When a
person offended we said to ourselves, "This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from
being angry. Thy will be
done." The second is on pages 70
and 71. "We have listed and
analyzed our resentments. We have begun
to comprehend their futility and their fatality. We have commenced to see their terrible destructiveness. We have begun to learn tolerance, patience
and good will toward all men, even our enemies, for we look on them as sick
people. - - - In this book you read again and again that faith did for us what
we could not do for ourselves. We hope
you are convinced not that God can remove whatever self-will has blocked you
off from Him." The third is on
page 82. "there is plenty we
should do at home. Sometimes we hear an
alcoholic say that the only thing he needs to do is to keep sober. Certainly he must keep sober, for there will
be no home if he doesn't. But he is yet
a long way from making good to the wife or parents whom for years he has so
shockingly treated. Passing all
understanding is the patience mothers and wives have had with
alcoholics. Had this not been so, many
of us would have no homes today, would perhaps be dead. The alcoholic is like a tornado roaring his
way through the lives of others. The
fourth is on page 83. "Yes, there
is a long period of reconstruction ahead.
We must take the lead. A
remorseful mumbling that we are sorry won't fill the bill at all. -- - - So we clean house with the family,
asking each morning in meditation that our Creator show us the way of patience,
tolerance, kindliness and love."
The fifth is on page 108 and is in the chapter to the wives. In this case it has more to do with their
reactions to the alcoholic than with what we need to do so I am not quoting
it. The sixth is on page 111. "The first principle of success is that
you should never be angry. - - - Patience and good temper are
most necessary." The seventh and
last is on page 111. (I just got a call
from Daniel and I am going to meet him later and give him a schedule for the AA
meetings. Maybe - - - ?) Anyway on page 111 it also says, "We
know that these suggestions are sometimes difficult to follow, but you will
save many a heartbreak if you succeed in observing them." - - - (another)"may come to appreciate
your reasonableness and patience." This last quote again is for the wife dealing with an alcoholic
husband but is extremely applicable in the life of a recovering alcoholic.
You probably remember that I
told you of my walking through most of my life like an open pan of gasoline
just waiting for someone to light a match too close. In 1958 I was violent to another for the last time and I almost
killed that person. In fact it was my
only desire at the time. From then
until I arrived at AA the only way I could stay out of trouble was to walk
away. Sometimes I had to run away. The laws were different in those days or I
would have done 7 - 10 as I have found out in going into the prisons and
jails. It is a miserable way to live
always fighting down your instincts. I
have found the answer. It is in the Big
Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. It is on page 53, "we had to fearlessly face
the proposition that either God is everything or else He is nothing. God either is, or He isn't. What was our
choice to be?" and on page 55, "Yet we had been seeing another kind
of flight, a spiritual liberation from this world, people who rose above their
problems. They said God made these
things possible, and we only smiled. We
had seen spiritual release, but like to tell ourselves it wasn't
true." And of course my favorite
of all in the Big Book. on page
46. "We found that God does not
make too hard terms with those who seek Him.
To us, the Realm of Spirit is broad, roomy, all inclusive; never
exclusive or forbidding to those who earnestly seek. It is open we believe to all men." Finally on page 570, "There is a principle which is bar
against all information, which is proof against all arguments and which cannot
fail to keep a man in everlasting ignorance- that principle is contempt prior
to investigation." - Herbert
Spencer It is hard! It is a bullet biting, ass kicking,
son-of-a-bitch! But with God's help you
can make it.
God
always loves you and so do I.
Larry
07/30/00
Hi Lester,
Hey! I know what it is like to be somewhere that
it is impossible to come up with something to write to someone about so don’t
worry about satisfying me. Just worry
about keeping your insides in the best shape possible in that place. It is essential that you and I do our best
to accomplish that.
Daniel is, so far, following
the requirements set down by Judge Alberts.
He has been at enough meetings, has found a job and has me for a
sponsor. I told him to put his name on
his slip that he has to have signed but he never got around to it. On the 27th in a meeting someone left their
slip with insufficient signings on it and took his. I know that the one at the desk is not his as I signed the first
five lines on his slip and my name was not on this list. I also know that he has been at the meetings
because the chairman of the meeting where his slip was lost told me that he had
seen him at 3 or 4 meetings in the club.
So I wrote a letter to his monitor and told him what had happened. I hope that helps him and I hope that he
will put his name on the slip from now on.
On Saturday Doug was supposed
to go in with me but he either forgot or is out-of-town as he didn’t show
up. Another AA guy, maybe you remember
a Denny that used to come to the jail with me, said that he would write you now
and then too if you wanted. I did not
give him your address and I won’t until I get your O.K.
I don’t have a lot to write
about so I’ll tell you a story about what happened to me in the beginning
before I went to AA and was trying to sober up on my own. I think I told you this before but there is
a piece that you might be able to use to help your insides. It goes like this:
Alcohol had quit working for
me! I no longer had the capacity for
drinking the amounts that I had in the past and it no longer changed my
perception of the world to make the world acceptable. The good times were gone
and it was time to stop drinking. So I did!
I stopped with varying degrees of success over the next three
years. Some times it lasted a week,
sometimes a month, once it lasted eight months just before I came to Alcoholics
Anonymous.
I had lost my business due
to inattention and some bad investments. Then I went to work for Wesly A. Bull
and Associates in Seattle. It was a
small firm employing approximately eleven people. Eight of them were working in the Seattle office at that time.
My routine was to take my
lunch to work with me because I wanted not to
drink. I did not dare go out for
lunch because I knew if I did I would end up drinking once more. I came to work early to avoid the traffic
and to avoid the open bars in the city.
I usually left work with someone else so I could walk to the car with
him or her and not be tempted to stop for a drink.
One day a man whom I had
never seen before came into my office and said, "There is a brown bag AA
meeting on Queen Anne why don't you go to it with me?" I declined saying that I was not drinking
anymore and did not need AA. Inside
myself I knew that AA would laugh me out of any meeting, as I was not a bad
enough drinker to qualify for AA membership.
The next day the same man
came into my office and said, "There is a brown bag AA meeting over at the
Seafirst Bank building why don't you go with me?" I again declined stating that I had stopped
drinking and so had no need for AA.
It never occurred to me to question why a stranger would come into
my office and ask me to go to AA meetings.
I had worked for Wes before, when I was drinking and they all knew that
I had quit. I felt, therefore, that the
whole world probably knew I was quitting drinking --- and was probably ready to
applaud me for it.
The third day the same
stranger came into my office and said, "If you aren't going to go to AA
you better have this to help you stay alive." With that he presented me with a hand printed copy of the Desiderata
and left.
This fellow was starting to
get on my nerves. I went to Wes that
afternoon and asked him if we had hired anyone new. He said, "Yes, a fellow came in three days ago asking if we
needed any outside plant engineers.
With the new REA projects we have starting I hired him as he had good
credentials."
The stranger never did come
back to work at Wes Bull's after that last noon. He didn't even make
arrangements to pick up the pay he was entitled to. When Wes tried to send his W2 form to the stranger's home address it was returned with the notation, "NO
SUCH ADDRESS".
The concepts expressed in
the Desiderata have literally saved my life many times since he gave them to
me; both before and after my coming to AA.
DESIDERATA
“Go placidly amid the noise
and haste and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible, without surrender, be on
good terms with all persons. Speak your
truth quietly and clearly: And listen
to others even the dull and ignorant:
They too have their story. Avoid
loud and aggressive persons, they are vexatious to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others you may
become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons
than yourself. Enjoy your achievements
as well as your plans – keep interested in your own career, however
humble: It is a real possession in the
changing fortunes of time. Exercize
caution in your business affairs: For
the world is full of trickery. But let
this not blind you to what virtue there is:
Many persons strive for high ideals:
And everywhere life is full of heroism. BE YOURSELF:
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love:
For in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the
grass. Take counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with
imaginings. Many fears are born of
fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a
wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself - you are a child of the
universe, no less than the trees and the stars. You have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is
unfolding as it should. --- Therefore
be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors
and aspirations in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul - with
all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world - be
careful - strive to be happy” –
I have kept this in every
possible place so that when I need it I can get it out and look at it. It gives me peace and it has literally saved
my life on many an occasion. I hope it
can do that for you too.
I send you my love to go
with the love that God already has for you.
Larry
18
August 2000
Hi
Larry,
I
got the letter and the visiting form, you have been O.K.’d to visit me. But they are going to be sending me to Walla
Walla soon I hope! So you might want to
wait till I get over there. But either
way, I would love to see you! By the way,
I’m sorry for not writing sooner. My
celly drove me nuts looking over my shoulder every time I was writing a letter,
reading my letters and trying to talk to me.
But now he is gone and time is a lot better. How is everything with you?
It was good to hear about your cousin coming over to see you. Larry would you mind if I give you a call
sometime. I only get to call a certain
times. Well I’m going to go for
now. But I wanted to write and let you
know that you were approved to visit.
Well let everyone know that I said Hi.
Take care, your friend always.
Lester
27
Sept 2000
Hi
Larry,
Sorry
for not writing sooner! But I have been
fighting with this ass-hole here, trying to find out why I haven’t been moved
to Walla Walla and I still haven’t got a answer. No one seems to know what is going on here. But maybe someday they will find out! Larry you know that is really cool about
your dream, (about when I get out) I had one about the same thing, cool
ha? And I do know everything will be
Okay! I got you as my best friend, so
there isn’t anything that can go wrong!
Larry, there is a few things I may need your help on, if that is okay
with you? But we can go through that
when I get out, or when you come see me.
I may be going to work release in the Tri Cities or at least that is
where I’m trying to go, but you know how that is. Well Brother, I’m going to go for now. You take care of my best friend okay? I don’t want any-thing to happen to you! Your friend always,
Lester
P.S. take care old friend!
October 14, 2000
Hi Lester,
Gosh, there is not much to
write about. We have been skunked (no
one from the jail showed at our AA meeting) three out of the last four
times. The one time a guy showed up he
said he really wasn’t an alcoholic but he felt sorry for us coming down with no
one coming to our meeting. He has had
some real experiences with alcohol, however, and if he keeps up the way he
drinks - he’ll make it yet. He had some
other problems that weren’t as nice as alcoholism involving younger men. He was in his early fifties. He went out on the chain the next Wednesday
but thought he was going to get treatment instead of to one of the prisons. I didn’t ask for any more information than
he volunteered and he volunteered more than I wanted to really know.
I think of you often and
wonder how you are doing. I know it has
to be rough going about now but keep your chin up.
I don’t think I have told
you about Frank. He is one of my
favorites. I was setting in a meeting
room waiting for the meeting to start and talking to Ben. Ben was an old timer around AA and one of
the best. The meeting room was on the
second floor of the Red Cross building and a woman named Judith came dashing up
the stairs, breathing hard, and exclaimed as she came in, “A bum just asked me
for a cigarette and when I wouldn’t give him one started following me!” She sat down and then I heard it. The slow measured footsteps of someone not
too steady on their feet coming up the stairs.
In came about the dirtiest man I had ever seen. Clothes filthy, and a vile, nasty, once
purple knit stocking cap on his head with about five days of beard and crusty
dirt on his face and hands; and drunker than a lord. Ben and I made room for him at our table, told him he was in an
AA meeting and asked him not to talk and disturb the meeting but that he was
welcome to stay. We introduced
ourselves to him and learned that his name was Frank. We fed him cigarettes and
he sat through the meeting only becoming agitated when one of the members was
complaining about having to sleep on a couch in another member’s home which was
too short so that he couldn’t straighten out.
Frank muttered quite loudly that he didn’t think that sounded too bad as
he was sleeping in the weeds. When we
stood and held hands at the end in the prayer circle I was next to Frank and
held his hand during the Lord’s Prayer.
He was so drunk that I was on one side and Ben was on the other and we
essentially had to hold him upright and keep him from staggering around. After the prayer I went with him down the
stairs to make sure that he didn’t fall on the way. We were talking on the street outside of the building when he
pulled out a buck knife and started waving it around and shouting how he could
take care of himself. I just ignored
him and kept talking to him about AA and drinking until he put the knife away
into it’s sheath. Nancy came down about
then and we said goodbye to Frank and headed to our car just one car down the
street from where we were. After we got
into the car Frank had disappeared. He
wasn’t on the street or down the alley.
Nancy said that in spite of how drunk he appeared to be physically, his
eyes were a clear, bright, steady blue as though he had not had a single drink.
The next day I took Janice
to a noon meeting at the club and there was Frank. He was just as dirty as ever.
He asked me if I could give him a ride to the Jackpot Service Station as
that was a good place to hustle the customers for change to get himself a
bottle of wine. I had an El Camino and
so poor Janice got stuck in the middle with me on the driver’s side with Frank
on the passenger side. He told us how
he was living in a lean to under the freeway and stealing wire from the telephone
company yard. He then would burn off
the insulation and sell the copper for wire.
We dropped him off at the Jackpot Station to get his money and wine then
turned the corner to leave. At that
point Janice asked, “What is this?” and held up a little bundle of papers. I said, “I don’t know it isn’t mine, it must
be Franks.” and with that went around the block back to the Jackpot to give
them back to Frank. He wasn’t at the
station, and no where around, not even on the route over to the freeway bridge. After dropping off Janice I looked through
the papers and there was a Washington ID card, $3 worth of food stamps, and a
note that said, “If my body is found let my brother xxxxxxxx who lives at
xxxxxxxx know.” It was all held
together with a rubber band.
The next day I went to the meeting at the club again and
found Frank. I gave him his bundle of
papers and he was so grateful. He said,
“I just got that ID and it is the first time I have had any in 13 years.” I didn’t see him after that for quite some
time.
About a week later I started itching terrifically and it
just kept on. I went to the doctor and
he said it was due to stress and that I should just take it easier. A few days later Nancy told me, “Your stress
is making me itch now. You better go to
a different doctor.” I went to a skin
specialist and he scrapped my hand then looked at it under a microscope and
asked me if I had been around any derelicts.
I told him yes and he informed me that I had scabies. Then he gave me a poison to kill of them
little bugs with and I asked for enough to fix Nancy also. We had to poison ourselves over every inch
of our skin, let it set for seven days and then do it again. It got rid of the scabies on both of us. I told her, “The real test will come when
Frank shows up at a meeting and we have to hold hands with him in the prayer
circle again.” Sure enough within a
couple of days there he was at a meeting and we did hold hands with him
again. But just as soon as we got home
we poisoned our hands and arms. No, we
didn’t get the scabies again. Frank
told us that he had no intention of quitting drinking but he sure liked the
people around AA.
Later I saw Frank on the street. He was clean as a whistle and dressed in clean clothes. I asked him how he was doing and he said, “I
turned myself into detox to get cleaned up because I had a final meeting with
my PO and if I was OK he would turn me loose.
I don’t have to report to him anymore and I am going to the Jackpot and
get me some money and wine and leave this town before I get in trouble again.” It’s the last time I ever saw Frank.
My best wishes to you, and I look forward to being in
meetings with you. Play it cool
man. It will all work out in the end.
Larry
October 24, 2000
Hi Lester,
I’m sorry that you seem to
be going to be stuck there for a while.
I don’t think I can get over before you leave as we are getting into the
time of undependable pass conditions and I don’t want to challenge
mother-nature at my age and physical condition. But I will continue to write you unless you decide you’d rather
not have my ramblings.
Do they have any AA at all
in Clallam Bay Correctional? If so is
it strictly resident members or do outside people come in to the meetings? That place is so far away from everything
there may be little participation in AA by outsiders.
Do you remember Rich? He used to come into the jail with me
occasionally. He had lots of silver
gray hair and a gray mustache and was pretty buffed up. Today I was on my way to the grocery store
(Highland IGA) and was stopped for the stop sign at 22nd Ave. and 13th street
when Big John (a fellow friend from AA) pulled up next to me and asked if I
knew where Rich lived. I told him that
I did and he said, “You might want to go see him, he drank yesterday.” My reply was, “I am not surprised. Just last Wednesday I told him that I
couldn’t understand how he stayed sober spending so much time at the card
tables at the Bridge Street Connection and so little time at the tables of AA.” I guess I am kind of callused about that
stuff. If a guy doesn’t want this thing
bad enough to go to any length to stay sober then he is going to do what
alcoholics do - drink. When I got here
I loved drinking, I was dying and really close to making it with bleeding from
every orifice in my body, in twenty minutes my guts blew up and expanded better
than 4 inches which let me tell you hurts like hell. I was yellow and 46 years of age and went to AA knowing that they
couldn’t help me and that I was way to young to have to quit drinking. I saw myself as a very successful person who
just drank too much. I hated the
thought of having to live without booze and was angry that I had to quit. I went to the meeting halls when no one was
there yet and just sat because it was the only safe place in the whole world. Anywhere else I would drink. I didn’t want to socialize with anyone and
avoided talking to all but my sponsor, Bob (the one with the purple nose and
red cheeks) who I knew understood what it was to drink and since he had not had
a drink in eighteen months must have the answer as to how you stay sober. I saw myself as soooo successful and in such
gooood shape. That’s how an alky’s
brain works. When I was about six years
sober I was talking in a meeting and telling about sitting at the Elm Club (An
AA related joint in Lynnwood) and just waiting for the meeting in a safe
place. After the meeting a close biker
friend named Sticker came up to me and said that he had been trying to sober up
during that time and was going to the Elm Club. He later had to go back out on drugs and woke up one morning with
the needle still in his arm and sicker than a dog then came back to AA. He asked me if I remembered an old man who
used to sit in the armchair at the club.
He was yellow, his skin looked like parchment, he was all swollen up,
and looked so sick that Sticker wanted to give him some drugs to help him
survive but the other bikers told him not to do it because it would probably
kill him. I told him that I couldn’t
remember seeing this guy so maybe it was at a different time. Sticker said to me, “Larry, that dying old
man I just described was you.” I had a
lot of friends in the bikers that showed up at AA. Sticker, Rambo, Ricker (solid tattoos except for his face and
hands), P.D. who got taken down one night on a tail light stop on I-5. When they ran him they found there was a
warrant for attempted murder in Ohio.
They extradited him but he was found innocent. He came back to the coast and was in the business of making
really great dollhouses that he sold across the Northwest. My, how this program changes people.
Anyway, this was all started
by hearing that Rich was drinking and that he had chosen to ignore my warning a
week before. It appears to me that he
would rather drink than get sober and I surely understand that and I am willing
for him to do that if that is what he wants to do. I went by the Alano Club at noon to see if his car was at the
meeting. It wasn’t! Then I drove by his house and his car was in
his driveway. If he really wanted to
stay sober he would go where sobriety is.
It takes damn little for a person to go to a meeting. When he gets desperate I’ll go help him but
until then he is on his own.
In the song “The Silver
Tongued Devil” by Kris Kristoferson there is a line that says, “We takes our
own chances and pays our own dues, that
silver tongued devil and I.” And in the
song The Gambler Kenny Rogers sang, “You got to know when to hold ‘em, Know
when to fold ‘em, Know when to walk away, and Know when to run.” Man I drank until it was time to walk away,
possibly even to run and I did. To the
nearest man with a purple nose, red cheeks, and a way to stay sober. The way he showed me was the program of AA
and it took years of work and effort and spiritual study for me to get comfortable
but it was the last house on the block and I had no other choice. Then and only then would it work for me and
I only know this way for anyone to get and stay sober. It means a lot of hard times! Not financially although that is true
too. Not anything external, just the
inner war with oneself, to find the better way to live. Sobering up ain’t for wimps.
Well, guess that I’ll shut
up for now. I know what you were the
way you were living out and that you ain’t no wimp so hang in there and when
you get out we’ll “travel the happy road of destiny” together.
Larry
No
wind blows in favor of a ship that has no port of destination.
- Montaigne
November2,
2000
Hi
Lester,
I
just got a letter from Doug who has now moved to Gooding. Doug is one of those who came into the jail
with me once a month. He is having
trouble finding a meeting that he feels as much at home in as he did our home
group here. He has been hitting one
meeting a week and is feeling a loss of spiritual strength. I wrote back and told him, “MORE MEETINGS
GOD DAMMIT”. I just got his reply,
“Makes sense. That answer was too
simple for me to see.” Meetings save
our ass. I hope that you can get to
some AA meetings soon.
We
didn’t get skunked this last Saturday at the jail. We had one guy show up.
He was in jail for an assault and had the same problems that I have
discussed with you that I have. I was
able to share my feelings with him. He
sounded like maybe he would try us out.
You never know, that jailhouse spirituality seems to be pretty fragile
and leaves most people quite quickly when they get out of jail.
The
weather is starting to have a little bite in it here. We haven’t had a frost yet at my place but the Heights and the
Orchards have had their hit of old Jack Frost. The leaves on my walnut tree and my juniper tree have not turned
yet and are not falling off yet but the rest are. Every couple of days I go out and blow off the driveway and
patio. Today I went out and ran the
mower in the back yard to try and mulch what leaves have come down. It worked pretty well. I have a fountain and got it drained along
with the irrigation pipes for winter.
We have a cover for the fountain to keep out the leaves and moisture for
the winter. I took an old plastic plant
pot, drilled some holes in the bottom, attached a Christmas tree top ornament
to it and some hooks for holding Christmas lights then turned it upside down on
the top of the covered fountain. I then
strung lights on it and it looks like a Christmas tree when lit up at
night. Next to that I put one of those
lighted deer. It’s a little early and
Nancy didn’t want me to light them up until after Halloween. That’s O.K. with me but I did turn them on
Nov. 1.
Here’s
a little prayer for you -
In Your Presence
Lord, may I live on tiptoe, expecting blessings in
childlike wonder,
seeing You everywhere in the commonplace so I laugh
for pure joy,
approaching each day like a picnic so I feel good
being near You,
seeking your presence like a flower opening up to
the sun.
by Luther Cross
You
can do it, Lester, one day at a time.
If that is too long one hour, one minute or one second at a time. If all of that is too long just do it for now.
Larry
16
October 2000
Hi
Larry,
I
got your letter, I sorry I haven’t been writing as much as I should. But your letters always make me happy! I want to thank you for being there for
me! I don’t know what I’d do if I
didn’t have you as a friend. You are
right, this place is getting to me and I’ve been reading up on my hepatitis C
now I know why I’ve been so sick. I may
have cirrhosis of the liver, they are doing test now to find out, but they
aren’t going to give me anything for it because I don’t have enough time in
here. They don’t care if you die in
here or not, all they care about is money!
And I found out I won’t be going anywhere ‘till February or March, that
is going to fuck me up on my work release.
I wanted to go to work in the Tri-Cities. I guess we will see what happens. Well Larry, I wanted to write and tell you thanks for the
prayer! I really like it! You take care of yourself! ‘til the next time,
Lester
TO BEAR AND TO FORBEAR
November
12, 2000
Hi
Lester,
The
header on this letter is a Greek saying that I have found most helpful. It translates to “To bear and to forbear” as
shown. To bear is to endure, to
tolerate, to suffer (allow) those things that we cannot change. To forebear is to refrain from doing,
expressing, using, or injuring - to be patient. Those are all hard things to do in the best of circumstances and
in your place extremely difficult. But
they are also very necessary to your own future welfare. I always wish you the best in these kinds of
endeavors.
Well,
we haven’t been skunked the last two Saturdays at the county jail. A week ago yesterday we had nine guys show
up for the meeting with two of us from the outside. Yesterday we had two guys from inside, Daniel and Todd, and four
of us from the outside. Daniel has been
sentenced to 14 months. He was given a
break with probation but he broke probation by using so will be going off on
the chain. I think he is going to be
allowed to have some of that time in rehab.
Todd is doing his time in the jail and, like you, I think he has decided
that he is getting too old for this stuff and may be ready to change what he is
doing. Odd how if we want to change
what is happening to us we need to start doing things differently. As long as we do the same things we suffer
the same results.
For
some reason a story comes to mind.
Actually it is two stories. One
morning in Everett as I was going to work this smaller stature guy comes
bouncing up to me and says, “Man, I have a bad hangover could you spare some
change for a drink?” Well, now, I have
had bad hangovers and you don’t bounce around on your toes like that with a bad
hangover. My reply to him was, “Get
away from me you phony ass, if you really had a hangover you would be getting
off your knees where you’ve been puking up blood and shuffled very carefully
over to me to ask for money for a drink.”
And I said it loudly and angrily.
Those kinds of guys give us drunks a bad reputation.
Another
time, I was walking down the street and this poor, pathetic wino comes
shuffling up to me and very softly asked if I could point him to 1212 Hewitt. I asked if he was looking for a ride to
detox as the address was a cab company that the city paid to get toxic drunks
out to detox. He said, “Yes, I ‘m a
wino and I’ve got to clean up.” I led
him across the street to the cab company.
He could hardly move and the traffic was coming down on us fast. I said, “Sorry man but we have to move
faster” and drug him top speed across the street him moaning with the
pain. When we got to the cab company he
kind of just fell through the door and around the corner, laid down on the
floor in a curled up ball and moaned.
God, I felt bad for him. Real
drunks get my attention and you have my attention. I pray for your success all of the time. Keep on keeping on even though the times may
be hard for you. I love you man.
Larry
31
January 2001
Hi
Larry,
I
know it has been a long time since I have wrote to you, but I have been really
busy with legal work. I’m doing a PRP
and it is taking all of my time.
Between legal work and school, and working out I don’t have much time
left. But I thought I better write and
let you know I doing good and that I miss you a lot. I really enjoy your letters!
They brighten up my day a lot.
Well I have had my 6 month review again. They are still going to send me to Walla Walla but I just don’t
know when. I guess we will see? They won’t let me go to camp or pre-release
or work release. They say I too mean
(violent) and I’m too sick to work. But
what do they know! Well Bro I’m going
to go for now. You take care of your self. I will see you soon.
Lester
Spring
2001
Hi
Larry,
It
has been a long time since you have heard form me. Well they have moved me to Stafford Creed Corrections Center 191
Constantine Way Aberdeen, WA 98520 and this place is really fucked up! I thought Clallam Bay was bad, it has
nothing on this place. One week after I
got here we got locked down. So I
didn’t have your address. And I didn’t
have my stuff. I have been having a
whole lot of trouble here with the staff.
Well, they have me in drug dependency.
You were right, it is full of shit but I will get through it. Your mail finally got up with me so I
thought I would send you a line sorry about my writing and spelling but I’m in
a hurry to get this out to you! to let
you know that I’m O.K. and that I’m thinking of you! They have AA here, but like everything else I haven’t got a
chance to see what it is like. I have
been keeping my mind on IOP and MRT because of my DOSA, I need to get this done
so I can get out of here. Because I
have really been stressed out here. I
have almost been put in the hole 2 – 3 times already. Will I will stop bitching ha, ha, ha, “Sorry”! You take care and I hope to hear form you
soon. Your friend always
Lester
May
03, 2001
Hi
Lester,
It
was good to hear from you. I suspected
that they might have moved you.
Stafford Creek may be hard to take but it is in an area that I can get
to in order to visit you. It is many
miles less than Clallam Bay. I don’t
know whether the clearance I had for Clallam Bay is for the system or just the
institution. I’ll stick a note in with
this letter and ask the staff.
The
educated people who choose to treat alcoholics and addicts but have never been
one have different ideas about what will turn one of us around than those who
have had their feet put to the fire. We
who have met the monster are not impressed with frothy emotional appeal nor can
you scare us with what drugs or alcohol will do to us. But that doesn’t make any difference once we
are under control of “the man”. From
that point on we have to play the game by his rules whether we like them or
not. In Kris Kristofferson’s song ,”To
Bless or To Blame” one of the lines goes like this. “Don’t complain about your chances, boy. It’s the only game in town.” In the song “The Gambler” he has a line that
goes, “You got to know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em, know when to
walk away and know when to run.” I took
that line to the bank when I heard it.
I knew that my next stop was in the realm of “the man” and I didn’t want
to experience that. For that reason I
have real feelings for you and all of the other guys in your position. I was about to slide over the cliff (in fact
I had already fallen but “the man” missed it) when I got help from someone I
really knew had been there. What I am
repeating is, learn what you can from what they present and be sure to play the
recovery game the way that they present it.
The better you do that the smoother things will go for you. Check out the A.A. It can really help!
You
don’t need to be concerned about your spelling or writing in any of your
letters. That has nothing to do with
what you are to me. I am not a teacher
grading your papers. I don’t know what
IOP, MRT or DOSA are but if they will help you I wish you the best.
I
spent a couple of days up in Spokane working with my mother’s status. She fell and broke her hip and she is 88
years old. The ball of her hip broke
off so they put in a metal one because she could get on her feet faster and
there is a chance of pneumonia for older people who are bed ridden. She is in the nursing home and afraid to go
back to her apartment. If she stays
there all of her money will be gone in about 5 months and she will have to go
on Medicaid. Under that they take all
of her social security except for $48.21 per month. From that amount she has to take care of her own hearing aids,
dental needs, hair care (and you know how women are about that), phone and T.V. I can help a little when she needs some of
that but not anything like what the total is.
I am retired and physically unable to work much and no one will hire an
old man anyway, so we will just do the best we can and be grateful. Both my mother and I are the receivers of
Grace and Mercy. I have told you what
that is. Grace is when I get what I
don’t deserve and mercy is when I don’t get what I do
deserve. God treats me good so
everything will be o.k. for both of us.
I have two volunteer jobs that I do and, of course, my AA involvement. That keeps me off the streets and out of the
pool halls.
They
have finally got the streets downtown put back together but now they are
working on Appleside blvd. up in the heights and 18th Ave. from 13th
down to Riverside drive. Those poor
people on 18th have had that going on for months.
Keep
on Keeping on friend. The Compassionate
Universe will see you through this and give you peace if you will let it.
Your
Friend, Larry
June
10, 2001
Hi
Lester,
I
really like the idea of bank fishing on the river. There are lots of places up the Washington side of the Snake to
go fishing. I also wouldn’t mind a
little bank fishing in a lake that had Crappie in it. Crappie is the one fish that I ever had good luck catching. We used yellow go getters and cast from the
shore on the back side of Sullivan Dam Reservoir off of I-90 at Moses
Lake. We would find a school that was
biting, pull them in as fast as we could until they stopped or moved on then
clean them and ice them. Had many a
good supper after work in Moses Lake when I lived there. I also talked to Gene and another member of
my home group, Ray. They get together
with Tim the “motorcycle enthusiast” at his trailer up near Headquarters in the
summer. The campouts are good times
too. Ray and Maggy hit them
regularly. Helen and you would maybe
like those if she could ever get a weekend day off.
I
really enjoyed our visit. I was just
worn out the next day and couldn’t make it.
With any luck we can visit again before you get out. The changes that I saw in you are remarkable,
particularly since you could have been in a more encouraging environment. The old Larry is still lurking in the
shadows even after 22 years of sobriety.
There is a very thin veneer of a wall between the new Larry and the old
Larry. The longer that I am sober the
less acceptable some of my old character traits become so there is always room
for improvement. The big book says that
“we seek progress not perfection” which is just as well. I was way more perfect back when I was
drinking. I was also smarter. I was also sexier and more attractive to the
girls. Then there is the fact that I
was 10 feet tall and bullet proof. If
you believe all of the preceding then I have some waterfront property in
Arizona to sell you too.
We
left Ocean Shores at 7:30 in the morning and got home about 6:00 in the
evening. This is really the best state
in the union. We have everything
here. Leaving the ocean we traveled
through rich farmland over to I-5 then down to Centralia and picked up highway
12 going through White Pass. That is
the most gorgeous mountain pass you ever saw with thick costal forests. Coming down the other side we went through a
tunnel and came out into eastern Washington forest where the undergrowth is
small to non-existent. Then we had
lunch in Naches. From there to the
Tri-cities was a combination of desert and farmland. At the Tri-cities we took off on 124 going around Walla Walla and
picking up Highway 12 again at Waitsburg.
All great farmland, then of course through Pomeroy and home. There is every kind of countryside here that
people travel great distances to see.
At
the Asotin meeting on Wednesday there was a guy named Pug. When he was talking he started out by saying
that he kept looking for the adults to give him guidance and it is still a
surprise when he finds out that he is the adult in any situation. That is sure how I feel in AA. I have always relied on the old timers to
give me direction when I needed it. Now
when I look over the crowd looking for an old timer to give me some help I find
that I am that old timer, and I am not skilled enough to be an old timer. So I go to the jail and newcomer meetings
and have them remind me of why I came here in the first place. Saturday we had 11 at the jail meeting. I think one of them thinks that he is
getting too old to do this anymore. He
took my number. It will be a while
before he uses it as he had a warrant in California from when he was violated and
has to go back and serve that before he gets back here. He has had his parole site shifted to here
so that he can come back when he gets out.
Ray did 2 years in San Quentin from drinking and is now clear of any
obligation to the system. He still comes
regularly to the meetings and feels that our home group meeting is the only one
that he feels comfortable at.
Well,
I have rambled on long enough. It was
good to see you. Don’t spend too much
time trying to see the grass grow. Just
know that you are progressing even when you can’t see it. Continue to do it the way they want so that
we can go fishing as soon as possible.
Larry
July
1, 2001
Hi
Lester,
I
got to thinking after I had mailed the last letter to you about how I referred
to our conversation where I told you that you couldn’t see your own improvement
because it was like watching the grass grow.
Then in that letter I referred to watching the grass grow. I should have referred to watching the lawn
grow. I hope whoever reads these
letters didn’t think I was referring to MJ.
Having never been associated with that stuff I don’t think like that
automatically.
Walking
the dog at Swallows Nest Park this morning a fisherman stopped to talk to
me. He said that he was not having much
luck killing fish. They were near the
surface and his lures weren’t working and he didn’t know what fly to use. I didn’t tell him but it was obvious to me
since the fish were near the surface in shallow water and running in pairs that
they were spawning. I don’t think you
can lure a salmon when it is spawning.
At least that’s the way it was with the carp in Moses Lake. The way they took those when they were
spawning was to wade into the lake with a baseball bat and bash their heads
in. Of course that was the kids and no
one would eat the carp and the shoreline would be lined with dead carp and the
Moses Lake heat would make it so that you could smell the lake from as far away
as Ritzville I swear.
My
post polio has been acting up. On last
Sunday it crippled up the left foot, the right leg, and my back so that I could
not move most of the day. It took most
of the week to get functioning again then on Friday I felt better and there
were some chores that had to be done around here so I worked a little over a
half a day on this place which put me down again yesterday. I am resting today and doing better. Nancy said to me that it just didn’t seem
fair that after fighting my way back from polio as a kid that I should now be
re-attacked by weakness and pain. I
feel, and I told her so, that I have been really fortunate in that I managed to
recover from the original attack sufficiently that I lived a normal life and
most of the people in my life never knew that I had been a polio victim. My pants and shirt hid all of the visible
frailties. I was in the Elks
Convalescent Home in Boise with people who never were able to breathe without
mechanical assistance the rest of their lives.
I am one of the real lucky ones.
I
guess this is what I would like to be:
I wish I were honest
enough to admit my shortcomings;
brilliant enough to
accept flattery without it making me arrogant;
tall enough to tower
above deceit;
strong enough to
treasure love;
brave enough to
welcome criticism;
compassionate enough
to understand human frailties;
wise enough to
recognize my mistakes;
humble enough to
appreciate greatness;
staunch enough to
stand by my friends;
human enough to be
thoughtful of my neighbor;
and righteous enough
to devote myself to the love of God.
Know
that you are loved by the Compassionate Universe.
Larry
March
13, 2004
Hi
Lester,
I
am sorry that things did not work out for you to stay sober and clean. I hope
that this can either go with you to your prison location or that you can
memorize the P.O. Box so that you can let me know where you are and I can send
you letters. You know, Lester, I really
care about you and hope for the best for you.
You are a friend. I have much
appreciated that you haven’t come around me when you are using and hanging out
with people who are trouble. That shows
me that you have as genuine a concern for me as I do for you.
As
I always say in the meetings, I can’t help anyone get and stay sober and clean
unless they want to be clean and sober more than they want anything else in the
world. You are a better person than you
are showing the world. I was always
judging myself by my good intentions but the world was judging me by my
actions. If a person thinks they can
stay sober and clean by themselves I don’t argue because I don’t know their
limitations but I know mine and I can not do that. If a person has to always be right and have the last word I let
them because it doesn’t effect me and I don’t care if they agree with me or
not. I try to live in such a manner
that it doesn’t matter what others think or say of me, even if it is not
true.
If
you truly want to get and stay clean and sober you are obviously going to have
to do something different than you have been doing in the past because doing
the same thing is giving you the same experiences. Most of the people I know who have done time and changed have gone
to AA and NA in the institutions, made connections with those societies
outside, and transitioned from the inside programs to the outside programs
without missing a meeting. I can’t tell
you whether that will work for you or not but it is obvious that what you have
been doing hasn’t worked. I don’t know
if you have reached it yet or not, but it seems that a guy can really make this
work when he can’t drink and can’t not drink; can’t use and can’t not use; and
can’t stand to live and doesn’t get to die.
I
wish you the best of luck and we’ll keep in touch if God is willing and we both
live. Remember one day at a time, don’t
take the first hit or drink, and work with another recovering drunk and/or
addict.
Larry