Author Jimmy H. Copyright May 1998 – First North American Serial Rights. Readers are free to download and use this material as long as they receive no payment for the material and credit this site and this author as the source.

TO BLESS OR TO BLAME?

by

Jimmy H.

Slowly she became aware of the surging pounding headache that with each throb brought her one step nearer to vomiting. Her mouth was dry and tasted like Custer's army had bivouacked in it for a month. She eased herself out of bed hoping beyond hope that by moving cautiously she could get to a beer and get it down before she started throwing up and got into the dry heaves. Very delicately she moved into the kitchen, opened the refrigerator door, took out a beer, opened it, and took a tentative sip. The first sip stayed down so she took another swallow. Good! It was working. She went to the cupboard, opened up a drawer, found the box of miscellaneous drugs, dug out a couple of Percodan and washed them down with the rest of the beer.

She moved over to the table, picked up a pack of Camel filters, took one out and lit it up. The first drag almost sent her to the bathroom to vomit but she fought it back and took another pull on the cigarette. This time it felt OK so she went to the refrigerator and took out another beer. After having a couple of slugs of her second beer she went to the counter, got out the coffee and started a pot brewing. She went to the bathroom, relieved herself and went into her bedroom to get dressed.

"Oh good lord, Mary, what have you done?" she said to herself when she saw Calvin still passed out in her bed. The last thing she remembered was playing pool with Jack and Willow at the Third Man Saloon. Calvin hadn't even been there. Where had she run into him and why in hell had she brought him back to her home and into her bed? It always ended up this way. She didn't feel any bruises or broken bones so she looked in the mirror. No injuries showing. Well, at least he hadn't beat her up. Maybe he was reforming and they could make it work this time.

Dolores Moses had worked hard to become a Nurse Practitioner. She had walked the railroad three miles over the trestle to the junior college for two years to obtain her Associate Degree in nursing. There had been a partial scholarship but it had been necessary for her to economize, buying her clothing at the Goodwill store and walking rather than taking the bus. Then while working shift work at the hospital she had proceeded with a Baccalaureate Nursing program equal to a total of five years of schooling. Now she had come back to her people as a Nurse-Practitioner with an office in the Shwuakeenee Tribal Community Center where she provided medical services free of charge to indigent tribal members under a Federal Grant. The Federal grant provided for funding to help the indigent while self-sufficient tribal members paid for her services. Many of the tribal members came to her for advice and services because they did not trust the white medical community.

Dolores was seeing Mary for the first time since Calvin had reentered her life. "Mary, you are pregnant, probably about two months along," she said, "Has this been since you and Calvin got back together?" Mary replied that two months would indicate that conception occurred on one of the first times she and Calvin had sex after they had renewed their relationship. Mary felt that it was the first time when she was too drunk to take precautions but she was not going to tell Dolores. Dolores's relations with the white establishment were too close so Mary had to be cautious about what she told her. Dolores asked her about various contusions on her arms and legs and the swelling by her right ear. Mary laughed and said, "Calvin and I have been cutting wood and I bang myself up pretty good throwing the pieces and falling down on the hillside." She didn't dare tell Dolores about the beatings that Calvin was giving her when they were drinking because Dolores would tell Jim, the Community Service Officer from the Sheriff's office, and he would try to get her to bring charges against Calvin. No one from the Sheriff's office could or would even try to save her from the retribution that would take place from Calvin, his brothers, and his cousins. Jim would try to help but the deputies appeared to be mostly uncaring about the people in the Shwuakeenee community. Besides they were both drunk and those things happen when you drink.

Mary's hangovers were worse when she was pregnant. In the morning it might take a half hour of drinking beer and throwing it up before she could get her stomach to settle down enough for the drugs required to make her feel better. This had been going on for five months and she was going to be so glad when that baby came out. Mary had quit going to see Dolores because she was always after Mary about her drinking and about the signs of Calvin's abuse. Mary could do nothing to stop the abuse and she needed the alcohol and drugs just to survive. She could not trust Dolores or Jim or the Sheriff's Deputies to protect her from Calvin. The only time the pain seemed to diminish was when she was drinking and playing pool with Calvin, Jack, and Willow at the Third Man Saloon.

When Mary had carried the baby for about seven and one-half months she and Calvin got into one of the worst fights that they had ever had. Calvin kicked Mary several times, sometimes in the abdomen, and Mary stabbed Calvin twice. Mary went into labor. Her cousin called 911 and she was taken to the hospital at one thirty six on a Sunday morning. At six forty two a five pound three and one-half ounce boy was born to Mary. She named him Jake.

The Sheriff's Deputies arrested Calvin and took him to the hospital. The wounds were not serious so the emergency room treated him and the Sheriff's Deputies took him to jail. On Monday morning he was arraigned and released on four hundred dollars bail provided by one of his cousins. On the courthouse floor above where Calvin was being arraigned Children's Protective Service was going before Judge Warner to obtain temporary custody of one Jake Moses. The Court placed him under protective foster care for a period of ninety days after which it would review the case for further action. A guardian ad litem was appointed for Jake to insure that his best interests were served.

At the hospital Jake, under foster care, was kept in the nursery until it was assured that he would survive. Mary was released, went to the Third Man Saloon and started playing pool and drinking with Willow and Jack. Calvin showed up at four thirty in the afternoon and joined them.

Three years later Jim pulled into the driveway of the Once Again restaurant and parked on the other side of the parking lot from the two marked police cars. Although his car was unmarked it did have county plates and when the general populace saw more than two Sheriff's cars at the same restaurant they started complaining. He had managed to get to have coffee with two of the deputies who worked in his area. Two of the seven deputies it took to cover the area with one on duty twenty four hours a day, seven days a week with court time, days off, vacation, sick time and training days. These two understood what he was trying to accomplish in the Shwuakeenee Tribal neighborhood and were willing to give extra effort to help. He entered the restaurant and spotted Ben and Marty sitting in a booth across from each other, the location carefully selected so that each had full view of the entrances to the restaurant and through the windows into the parking lot.

He slid into the booth next to Marty and ordered a double tall mocha. "Hey, guys", he said, "what's new in the world of real police work?" "Different day same bull", replied Ben. "I spent an hour and a half in the Shwuakeenee neighborhood investigating three burglaries that happened yesterday. Two people saw the burglars and identified them as John McEndry and Amos George but refused to give me statements because they were cousins of one type or another." "Yeah", agreed Marty, "On Sunday morning at two forty six in the morning I got a domestic call at Mary's again from a neighbor who said that Calvin was killing Mary. I went in backed up by Shane and arrested Calvin. We hooked and booked him but Mary had him bailed out before we got the paper work done. And you know the judge will fine him fifty dollars and tell him to stay away from Mary. That'll work for about a week and then they will all be getting drunk together again. They all hang together. It's all a waste of our time."

The area in which the Shwuakeenee Tribal neighborhood was located consisted of sixty seven square miles with nearly three hundred miles of road in which over seven thousand people live to be covered with one deputy. If any other area needed back-up the deputy covering this area had to leave it to provide cover for the other deputy as those areas were also single man units.

"We really need to know that the residents of the tribal lands will give us statements and appear in court if we are going to have prosecutions", Marty continued. "The property crimes detectives will not even start a case in this neighborhood without signed statements and a commitment to appear

at court. They have been stung too many times. And the prosecutor . . . . . the prosecutor . . . . hell! He won't even consider assigning a deputy prosecutor because of the history of the lack of participation by these people. Sometimes we can't even get to some neighborhoods because of more urgent calls elsewhere."

"But we have not always responded as we should either." said Jim. "Look, Mary's kid Jake was given to her cousin Margaret because of Mary's drinking. Calvin showed up at Margaret's and decided that Jake, who is three years old, was acting like a woman and in order to teach him to be a man burned Jake repeatedly with a cigarette. Jake was taken to Dolores for treatment. Dolores called our office and Bradley responded. He never investigated the crime at all. He talked to Calvin in front of Dolores and said to him, 'Hey Calvin, you Indians are always playing around with fireworks. Your son got burned while you guys were doing that, right?' Of course Calvin agreed as he had been given a logical excuse that he knew Bradley would accept. Dolores knew from the size and shape of the wounds that the cause was not fireworks and witnesses told her of Calvin's actions. After Bradley left Calvin told Dolores, 'You white loving bitch, you stay out of our lives or I'll kill you. I will discipline my son in any manner I choose. It will be Indian punishment delivered from one dark Indian father to his dark Indian son.' He then threatened all of the other witnesses into silence. The people of the Shwuakeenee neighborhood watch things like this happen and they decide it is futile to call on us for help and dangerous to help us." "That is unacceptable I don't care who does it. But what can we do," asked Ben, "we are just too short handed to cover incidents that will not be prosecuted as this would have probably turned out."

Jim knew that Ben was sincere about such incidents being unacceptable and that he was right about the lack of manpower. He also knew that Ben could not do anything about Bradley's approach to the people of the neighborhood. When you are often faced with being maimed or killed while on a call and the only help you are going to have is a fellow officer you don't alienate your fellow officer. You need each other. Besides, Jim had approached Bradley's sergeant about his actions. The sergeant had been very concerned but had never taken any action. After all he and Bradley had served together as partners and worked the same precinct for over 20 years. In the end all Jim had been able to do about Bradley was to tell Dolores to call the precinct commander and complain every time Bradley showed up and acted inappropriately. She of course would do nothing of the kind because she didn't trust the Sheriff's office to take appropriate action. If action was taken the Deputy on the beat might respond by not even coming or be even less effective when he did arrive.

"How about if I work the neighborhood on non-emergency incidents," Jim finally said. "I believe that I can convince witnesses to come forward on some types of cases and can get statements from them. The good people of this neighborhood love and value their children. Let me work with them to choose our incident, get the preliminary paper work done and then review it with you. If it can be prosecuted we will submit it and if not drop it before the witnesses are endangered. It would take real courage to finger John McEndry after McDonald nailed him for skinning a dog alive just for the fun of it. If he is endangered by witnesses I'm sure he will react violently." Both Ben and Marty agreed that the three of them could try this method and see if they could provide better service for this neighborhood.

Jim left the Once Again and drove out to the Shwuakeenee neighborhood. He stopped to talk to Mary who was the receptionist at the offices in the Tribal Community Center now. It was part of a rehabilitation program that Mary was participating in. She was really an appealing soft spoken woman of above average intelligence and Jim often wondered at her loyalty to Calvin and their extended family. Mary called into Dolores's office to tell her that Jim was there and shortly afterward Jim went in. Jim respected Dolores. He defined her as an alligator. Much tougher than a lion and more aggressive than a pit bull but she got things done that needed to be done. "Hi Dolores," he greeted her. "I just got out of a meeting with Ben and Marty and I think we have a way to begin here at the neighborhood. We think that you and I can work with some of the victims and get statements with witnesses to testify. Dolores, it is really difficult to get things done for this neighborhood." She knew Jim had been studying the history of the northwest Indian tribes. He had talked to the elders, and the friends he had made in the neighborhood and seemed to be learning about their culture. He continued with, "I can not understand the extreme loyalty by tribal members to the extended family within the tribe. I can understand how if the white people of this area were outnumbered by Indians as this tribe is by whites I would be reluctant to turn over any of my people to the Indian justice system; but I would never accept the actions that I see accepted by the people of this neighborhood even if I had to send a white man to an Indian prison."

"Jim," replied Dolores in her quiet manner, "I appreciate your efforts to understand and accept the traditions of my people. I know that you respect and care for us, and are willing to help us. But Jim, you are not an Indian, you cannot be an Indian, and you must never try to be an Indian. Nor are you a woman and you cannot be a woman. We, you and I, must take respect and joy in each other's life while always allowing the other to maintain the integrity of his or her being. Like me, my brother worked for his education. At times he had to take money from his low paying part time job to help me. He chose to become an urban Indian fitting his life into that of white society. The last thing he said to me before he broke off all relations with me was, 'Dolores, I have sacrificed for you to obtain your education and now you are going back to the reservation. You are nothing but a Reservation Indian.' I no longer even know where he lives. He could not take respect and joy in my life” she paused and then continued, “Mary has sought and received custody of Jake with the assistance of the Tribal attorney. She and Calvin will be re-establishing their family. You and I, we will work on other matters."

Jim often saw Jake on the streets at any time between dark and three o'clock in the morning when he was still of pre-school age. When he would talk to Dolores or Mary about this they would say he was safe in their neighborhood. Jim would point out that many residents drank and drove. Their reply would be that if they interfered Child Protective Officers would probably take him away and put him in a white home in a white neighborhood where there was every chance that he would be mistreated because of prejudice and lack of the knowledge of Indian heritage.

Calvin beat him at least once a week and often more; sometimes for exhibiting fear, sometimes for acting in a manner not suitable to a warrior, often just because Calvin was drunk. When Jake was five years old Calvin, Mary, and Jake went to a park area for a picnic with Jack and Willow. Calvin started a fire in the firepit opened the cooler and took out a beer. He took several swallows out of the can and noted that Jake had just taken a white girl's scooter. The girl was about seven and larger than Jake. She grabbed Jake and threw him to the ground to retrieve her bicycle. Jake came running in tears to Mary. Calvin yanked him around, picked him up, and threw him on his back into the fire screaming as he did so, "You do not run away crying from a girl! You beat them up and take what you want! Anything you want you take it!" Mary rescued Jake from the fire with first and second degree burns on his legs and back and with his hair burned off the back of his head. They told the emergency room doctors that Jake had fallen into the campfire. Again the extended family felt there was more danger to Jake in the white system than in their neighborhood so no one told Dolores or any outsider what had really happened.

When Jake was smaller Mary would often beat him because she blamed him for all of the misery in her life. By the time he was nine Mary no longer dared to beat him. He would simply attack her if she even criticized him.

Calvin taught him that the darker skinned the Indian the better person he was. Jake, when he was twelve, threatened to kill the Director of the tribe because he had insulted Jake by questioning his actions; and after all he was much lighter complexioned than Jake. From twelve on Jake presumed that any thing he saw that he wanted was his to take. He openly burglarized neighboring homes, vandalized tribal equipment, and stole tribal property.

At fourteen Jake was seen by Jesse, an eighteen year old Indian neighbor, coming out of Jesse's cousin's home carrying a pile of CD's. Jesse told Jim and agreed to sign a witness statement to the effect that he had seen Jake doing this burglary. Jake found out through the tribal youth grapevine that Jesse had informed Jim, but Jake took no action against Jesse except to tell Calvin that Jesse had talked to Jim. Jesse stood four inches taller than Jake and outweighed him by twenty pounds. When Jake told Calvin of the whole incident he took Jake into the back yard, picked up a three foot length of two by four lumber and beat Jake with it while yelling, "You don't let people get by with ratting you out to white cops. You must stand up for yourself." He put a soft spot in Jake's skull, fractured two ribs and broke off one tooth in the beating. Jake responded by beating up Jesse using his fists and feet leaving Jesse bruised and battered. Jesse did not sign the witness statement and would not testify.

After the beating Calvin had given Jake, Mary's family went to the District Court for a restraining order against Calvin to protect both Mary and Jake. The District Court judge refused to give them a restraining order saying, "If you are unwilling to bring charges against Calvin I will not issue a restraining order against him."

Mary's family then went to Dolores and Jim for help. They decided to go around the District Court and request a restraining order from the Superior Court with Jim acting as a special advocate. The Superior Court issued a restraining order to keep Calvin away from Jake and Mary until Jake was eighteen. Calvin moved to another city, thirty-three miles away. Though she had custody of Jake, Mary would no longer allow him to live with her. With nowhere else to go he went to live with John McEndry, who was one of his extended family. Calvin would sneak into the neighborhood to smoke marijuana with John and Jake and maybe do a burglary or two. Other times Jake would skip school and hitchhike to Calvin's to spend a couple of days with him. Since the town where Calvin lived was in another county the officials of that county did not feel obligated to enforce the court order banning him from having contact with Jake.

At fifteen Jake decided that he hated all white people and that he would kill a white cop by the time he was eighteen. He had no conscience, no empathy, and never felt any remorse about anything he did. He and his friends started looking for a house to burglarize that would have suitable guns, which could be stolen and used in killing a cop.

Jim pulled into his usual parking space at the Once Again and ran through the rain to get inside. He walked over to where Ben and Marty were sitting. "A heads-up guys," said Jim. "Jake has put out the word that he is going to kill a white cop by the time he is eighteen. That gives him about two years. I hear that he is prospecting for a suitable gun and some ammunition that can pierce body armor. I thought you and all of the guys should be aware so that you can use extra caution when you are called to any incident involving him." "No problem," replied Marty, "Once a scum-bag always a scum-bag. That whole family is nothing but trouble."

At Dolores's office Jim collapsed tiredly into the chair reserved for her clients. "Damn it Dolores, it's just not fair. Jake is going to get himself into real trouble. The guys all think that he is just bad to the bone. I see him to be a victim of fetal alcohol syndrome, abuse, and neglect. His heritage has stripped him of any empathy or remorse for what he has done or a conscience to help him avoid wrongdoing. There must be something we can do to prevent what is inevitably going to happen."

"Well, Jim", replied Dolores, "you will have to understand that what was, was, what is, is and what will be will be. It's out of your hands”, once more she paused and then continued, “Indian ways will prevail."

Jake was wildly celebrating with his friends. They had been drinking in the park for hours and Jake's energy was gone. He was being tormented by evil spirits that showed him his father screaming his shame and disgust with him and his mother crying out, "It is you who are my trouble!" over and over. He needed to have powerful medicine to overcome these evil spirits and celebrate his eighteenth birthday so he went over to John and asked if he had any speed. John said, "No, but I can get some." In a bit John came back and said, "Hey cousin, this is on me," and gave a half a dozen speed caps to Jake. He took a couple and washed them down with some beer.

Then came the rush. He was a warrior ten feet tall and could leap mountains. A train was coming down the track moving at a high rate of speed. Jake took off racing towards the tracks as fast as he could run yelling at the top of his lungs. Faster and faster he ran. In his mind he was running with the wind, he was "Shawonda'see" (the South Wind), he was overcoming the evil spirit ghosts. Nothing could stop him now or ever. There was no sound when the train struck Jake. The engineer never saw him run in front of the train. He made no sound as he flew through the air. The silence was total as the rumble of the train disappeared into the night.

The End